May 2006

...I also had a conversation that was the most interesting because for the first time today I found myself crying. Because he was forcing me to see reality, not only that, but he reminded me a lot of someone else I know. He reminded me a lot of me.
Tonight was one of those chilly rainy nights. I got back inside from being on the front porch for a few hours. I sat in a swing wrapped in a big comforter, watching the blinking lights, (Since it's all I can really see anyway) and listening to the rain.
I started to do a lot of thinking.
I thought for one how my grandma would kill me if she saw me smoking, and then I thought about my grandpa sitting next to me, and I figured he would understand.
Then I laughed because I thought of how against it I used to be...but I suddenly found it in this moment to be therapeutic. I calmed down a lot.
So then I thought about change. Not if I like change, or if I don't like it, but that life forces you to appreciate it. I got in touch with myself tonight. I felt a lot like the old me. But at the same time, I've been through so much since then, I really felt like a new me.
I've met a lot of fascinating people in my life, and they have come and gone but always left an impression, and that is what's important. You are fascinating. You left an impression on me. You've came, you're not quite gone, but whatever happens isn't important. What's important is what I've learned along the way.
I realize now that I've changed a lot in the past weeks, and I've been in denial because I don't particularly like how I've changed. I realized this the other night when I found myself completely smashed but telling people that I'm really a smart girl. I had to tell them because I didn't feel like who I was, I felt like I was being an idiot. I don't like that.
You may have changed in your own way, we all do. And I appreciate that as well. Someone mentioned tonight that I have a lot of hope, and I do, which is why I told him I am trying so hard not to fight. When we feel like we have nothing else, we have to have hope. And perhaps I have hope that you'll change you're mind, you'll see things differently, maybe you'll see me how you use to again. But I told him there is one thing more important to me right now, and that is to respect your wishes. He surprisingly said that I have to fight, you have to fight for what you love, that's life. Even so, I said no, because it's not about me. It's about me really wanting you to be happy, whether I'm what makes you happy or not. And I realized then, I thought about all the times I wondered if I was really in love with someone- it occurred to me that I fought back then, I fought for my pride, I fought for comfort, I fought for what I thought I wanted....but I didn't think about what was best for him. I was selfish.
So I realized tonight sitting on my porch thinking back through what I said. I've learned something surprisingly important. I've learned what love really is. It's when you can finally have the courage to be completely selfless, because you care enough about someone else more than yourself. And the fact that I made the decision to let you do what you need to do to make you happy.
I've won something better than I would have if I would have chose to fight this. I won respect for myself, because I've finally answered my question as to what it really means to truly love someone. It means let them go if they want to go, let them live their life how they want- it means to set them free.
So in the end, I don't know if I'm quite happy, but I'm content. And I'm happy with myself.

I painted an angel tonight.

It was a blue angel, shades of blue. And it had its head in its hands crying. I didn't even feel sad then, I just painted what I didn't know was in my heart. I called it my "angel of anxiety"...

I find it ironic, because a few hours later I found myself next door. Conveniently there is a church next door, clinging to a set of black rosary beads and leaning against the church door in the rain, crying and praying because I don't know what else to do. I suppose I fabricated my own broken angel.

I'm not even Catholic, I guess the beads were just me clinging to hope.

When you feel empty, when you feel hopeless, when you feel alone, where else do you turn?

There are only a few times in my life where I abandon my usual stubborn pride and find myself asking God for help, admitting that I can't get by on my own, admitting that I don't have all the answers, admitting that I need him.

I always said that you know where your heart really lies in your darkest hours. When you have no where else to turn.

I wish I would learn to remember that always.

And that rain, it's been raining for five days. I know the last time I was in this position, it rained for seven days. Liz said it wouldn't stop raining because I was so sad.

It's suppose to rain all week.

Convenient.

I know more than anyone that you cannot change fate. Fate is what it is.

I can lie on the floor, I can cry, I can sleep to avoid the pain I feel, all things things I want to do. But I'm not going to.
Because tomorrow, the sun will rise.
Tomorrow other people will need my prayers more than I do.

Tonight I'll pray but not just for me, for once I won't be selfish.
I'll pray for those I've hurt, for those who've hurt me, and for those who need it most.

Life goes on, but not alone.

----------------

Impending sense of doom

or....impending sense of entrapment.

I was talking about trust the other night, and I've realized there is only one person I've ever met in my life that I completely trusted...and under the circumstances, I'm not sure why...

I had an interesting relationship a while back, of which I've thought a lot about lately.

A lot of good things came out of that relationship.
Conversation
Inspiration
Encouragement
Philosophy...

It's not that I miss this specific relationship...but I miss these things.

I seem to have found a dire need for conversation lately...not just casual conversation...there are just some things you want to talk about, because you have to, because you need to in order to realize who you are...but unfortunately I've come to accept, that receptors for this sort of thing are lacking....and I am craving it.

I write letters instead. Letters to add to the many other letters unsent. Letters I've never had any intentions of sending...letters I've written since my preteen years...journal pages filled, but everyone addressed....to the people I love, to my father, to God....Letters filled with questions that I ask, knowing I will receive no answers. No answers from the person I'm writing, since they will never read it. But at the same time, this is exactly how I find those answers...

Back in my days filled with chemical imbalance, I went through a lot of counseling. Not because there was anything wrong with me...I was just a young girl to curious and to...discontent with what I knew. Or to discontent with what I wanted to know. I wouldn't say I was pessimistic, just uneasy with living life in blind happiness when there was so much sadness in the world. I felt guilty for every smile.

That wasn't the point. The point is that I like to learn...and I had all ready pre-read my aunts book titled "The Art of Counseling". One of the key things I remembered that I always found ironic was when the book explained that one of the keys to effective counseling, is silence. I remember sitting in the dim office of my first counselor....while he asked me one single question and just listened to me talk. When I was done talking we'd just sit there, and he would look at me without saying a word. I guess if you've never been lucky enough to enjoy the experience of counseling....you would expect questions, why's, and what's...who's...But that's not how it works.
During one of these moments of silence I started smirking, and I told him that I knew what he was doing...he asked me to explain...

"The key to counseling is silence, you let a person talk and when they're done you say nothing, because this gives them the opportunity to delve into their inner thoughts and in turn solve their own problems."

He was impressed, but what a waste of money.

So that's it, that right there is the point to the letters. I write, as if I were talking to someone else...but then I just read over them...and I realize what I'm actually saying. I realize what I want to hear. I find answers to my own questions.

But I'm bored...for the sake of expanding philosophy I need someone for discussion. I miss that.

I find that you can spend (or waste) a lot of time trying to impress people. I know I've had a habit of selling myself. It was like a sales pitch when I'd meet someone, I had to convince them of my talents, or my finer points. It really took me awhile to realize it was sad and a waste of time. I stopped selling myself to people...eventually they are going to find out who I am, what I'm about, my strong points, my weak points...everything. I can try to pitch anything I want, if it's not me...they are going to find out....if it is me, why bother....if they are important they will be around long enough to find out anyway.

This is where encouragement collides with inspiration...

There are a lot of things I know, or can do...that others can't. But then again, a lot of others can also do those same things better than me. I suppose it's just how you choose to live your life. Either backing down and saying well I'm not the best, so why bother? Then sometimes all it takes is one person in your life to encourage you....to say why don't you do this, try this, do it....do it...do it. They make it sound like there are so many opportunities out there...all you have to do is have the courage to make it happen. The person who has encouraged me the most is also a person that I once said couldn't face reality....he was to busy living in a world he created, that he couldn't keep his feet on the ground. Maybe that's one way to look at it....but then again there are other times where I see what he's doing and I am a little jealous....but really proud. That person is a rolling stone...he was born to be, and he won't die happy unless he goes out and sees the world and exercises his talents to their fullest potential. Those are the kinds of people we need....they come, they go...they roll right through your life, but somehow they manage to leave an impact on you that you will never forget, even if it was there for the briefest of moments.

I guess tonight was one of those nights where I was feeling kind of lonely...craving conversation, and these other things I miss. But I remember all my old conversations, and I remember someone telling me to get out of here, that I don't belong here....that I'm meant to go out and see the world and learn as much as I can and write about it and meet new people, and learn, and teach, and live.

Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time here.

Then I know that tomorrow morning I will wake up and my day will consist of laughter, it will consist of smiles, it will consist of many moments of happiness, just like all of my days. I need to start somewhere, and I suppose that there is no point in being discontent with where you are. There are a lot of people here to meet, with a lot of stories to tell. So despite the fact that I may feel a little left behind, that I'm behind in school because of my timing and general aggravation and disinterest...I am content.

My grandma told me that God never gives us more than we can handle...

Let's plunge ourselves into the roar of time, the whirl of accident; may pain and pleasure, success and failure, shift as they will -- it's only action that can make a man.

GOETHE