Notes on Truth

La vérité vous donnera la liberté

La verdad le dará libertad

事實將給你自由

Die Wahrheit wird Ihnen Freiheit geben

La verità le darà la libertà

真実はあなたに自由を与えます

De waarheid zal aan u vrijheid geven

A verdade lhe dará liberdade

правда даст Вам свободу

Sannheten vil gi du frihet

The truth will set you free...

“Truth is a power. But one can see that only in rare instances, because it is suffering and must be defeated as long as it is truth. When it has become victorious others will join it. Why? Because it is truth? No, if it had been for that reason they would have joined it also when it was suffering. Therefore they do not join it because it has power. They join it after it has become a power because others had joined it.” - Kierkegaard

Sartre once said that, “Every man is condemned to freedom.” Every person is also condemned to his or her own existence. This freedom that Sartre speaks of, comes with our existence, we are born inherently free. In John chapter 8 verse 32 it is said, "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." In this case, how shall the truth make us free, if we are all ready born with complete freedom? Perhaps it is because that when we reach a certain age, we begin to ask questions. We ask these questions for one purpose, to search for the truth. Nearly any observation can be argued and debated. Even through scientific deduction we can only determine so much. How much factual information, how many conclusions, how many truths can we actually regard as universally objective? I think that there is only one truth in this universe we can ever know for certain, without any debate. This truth was the conclusion that Rene Descartes came to when he attempted to determine what is true. And that truth is the famous quote, “I think, therefore I am.” Anything else in existence is open for debate, whether it be space or time. Some people theorize that physical objects do not exist, some people wonder if they themselves exist. Hypothetically speaking, lets say that physical objects do not exist, and this includes living beings. Nonetheless, the very subjective thought of anything brings it into reality, particularly ourselves. The very fact that our stream of consciousness is able to question, proves that at least something exists, and that something is us.

Everything else is theory and faith.

So while every man is indeed, “Condemned to be free,” with this still comes a certain confinement in that freedom. We are all relative. The fact that other objects exist force us to be relative. And if other objects include other people, we now have questions of ethics. Besides the question of, “Why am I here?” we also ask ourselves questions such as, “How shall I live?” We ask ourselves these questions in search of a greater truth. We seek an explanation as to how we are relative to everything else. This greater truth, I feel, is impossible to ever attain, and therefore we can never completely be 'free'. It's these questions, the futile quest for answers, that causes a certain anxiety. This anxiety, is a result of the fact that though we are born inherently free, we find ourselves unable to fully indulge in this freedom. It is the irony of the human condition that causes us anxiety. And this is why Kierkegaard said it best when he said that, “Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”

I've felt this anxiety all of my life. Unfortunately, there is no more difficult task in this world than getting a person to entertain a thought. There is also no greater accomplishment. Oftentimes I have viewed people as being so off basis and far from the truth, that I have tried in vain to offer them further knowledge on the subject. Eventually I've found that in doing so I'm only being hypocritical. How can I expect someone to entertain a thought when I refuse to entertain theirs? When had I become so esoteric that I believed myself to be the only person capable of coming to any reasonable conclusions? Even if I had the right idea, I was driving myself crazy in trying to explain that same idea to others. Within a span of years I had changed some of my beliefs somewhat dramatically. I've elaborated on them. As Walt Whitman said, “Do I contradict myself? Very well...I am large, I contain multitudes.” Eventually I've found it nonsensical to try to convince others of what I believe, knowing well that through time and experience those beliefs would alter. Certainly I could not go back and correct those arguments which I had proposed to everyone in the past. With this realization came the comfort and the contentment of learning and researching but never considering anything to be absolute. Instead of arguing a belief with others I more so openly discuss different perspectives. And what beliefs I do have, I take refuge in. “Convinced myself, I seek not to convince.”

It has delighted me to further investigate into various subjects over the years. I've long been interested in history, theology, literature, metaphysics, quantum mechanics, art, mathematics, music, linguistics, philosophy, psychology, and economics. As you can see, I've found interest in nearly everything, because to me, everything is of interest. What has pleased me, is that in recent years as I ascended from adolescence into adulthood I have taken certain aspects of these subjects and really studied beyond the surface of them. Any previous elitist quality I had possessed had faded away and was replaced with a new found humility. This humility had come from the realization that I was naive to have ever believed that any particular belief of mine was right. Even more so, I was naive to believe that any particular opposing belief, was wrong. I've found such astonishing correlations between nearly every various medium of science, that it baffles me that anyone can disregard another. I've found this the case with special regards to theology, metaphysics, mathematics, and philosophy.

What is so unfortunate about the sciences, and especially religion, is that people elect one and choose to remain in it. As Anais Nin would say, this is a kind of death. Every approach to studying life is attempting to answer the same questions. I could ask the question, “Why do we exist?” to a philosopher, a priest, a physicist, a biologist, et cetera, and they will more than likely give me varying answers. The point is that all of these different mediums are searching for the same truth. This frustrates me often, as it did tonight when one of my friends said he is interested in “truth, not science”. Naturally this is silly to me, considering that through use of the scientific method, we hypothesize, experiment, observe, and retest, in an attempt to come to some objective conclusions. Though I love both philosophy and religion, they are certainly (in most cases) based on more theory than method. They are inapplicable to all realms. However, I find these two studies to be important because of exactly what I said in the beginning, the only truth is subjective truth.

Nonetheless, I traditionally view things from a scientific point of view. I am fascinated with possibility. Or as my friend would say, I'm a “positivist”. Knowing him he more than likely meant it as an insult, but I don't accept it as so. The point is that we speak different languages. He speaks the language of philosophy, whereas I speak the language of science, or more particularly, metaphysics. Because I am also interested in philosophy, though I am not fluent with it, I usually have no problem understanding what he his trying to say. I rarely see the difference in our observations. He however, completely disregards my observations (if based on science) without simply realizing that the only differentials are the terms.

Think about language. I will site a biblical story as a reference. The tower of Babel. Because God did not want the tower built, he bestowed on the men different languages. Because the men could no longer understand each other, they could not effectively communicate to finish the tower. As many of you probably know, this is where the word “babel” comes from in the first place. This is the interesting thing about language though. This is the point I was trying to make in my introduction, with eleven different languages and differing characters. But in looking beyond the actual words of the phrases, what is their meaning? Are they not all saying the same thing? “The truth, shall set you free.”

Lastly, is a visual as described by the author of my world religions book, Huston Smith. In an interview, he had described everything I am trying to say with the best visual I have come across. In regards to religion, he described it as this:

God (Truth)

It looks kind of silly, but really, it is dead on. All of the different lines represent a different path. In the case of religion, these paths represent possibly, Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Confucianism, Taoism, Et cetera. The point is, that no matter the layout of the path, every path leads to the same destination. Every path leads to the ultimate truth.

All of the great Christian prophets spoke of one central theme. They spoke of life in terms of a mountain, and one day that mountain would fall flat. Then everything would be of clear perspective and we would be able to see all of the different paths up that mountain, and observe how they all lead to the same peak.

Anxiety with reference to Poe

I've re-read many of the Poe's works that I last read so long ago. Since I was 14 he has remained at the top of my list of favorite writers. I find it important to re-embrace any medium of art periodically throughout life. Whether it be music, art, or writing, as I grow older and change so does my perspective. I like to re-read either important or favorite pieces of writing at least every two years. When I read, I now analyze literature with a different approach. Tonight in my re-reading of Poe, I realize fully why I was so captivated by his work as a teenager.

There is a recurring theme in Poe's work of which I can strongly relate too. Nearly all of his work is dark, and though most certainly gothic, his diction contains a large element of passion. I first read again The Tell-Tale Heart. This is one of my favorites to read because it is written just as it would be spoken. There was an actor who once presented in my high school a rendition of this story. Though the assembly bored the majority of my peers I will never forget it. Now in reading the story I read it in my mind just as I remember the actor shouting it. The content is undoubtedly grotesque but I find it relatable to people whom possess a certain type of personality, I being one of them. There is a theme to everything Poe writes. For example, in The Tell-Tale Heart, the man telling the story kills an elderly man he loves dearly. He does so, because he can no longer stand to look at the old man's eye, which is described as a pale blue, with a film over it- a vulture's eye.

The story is written from as a stream of consciousness. The thoughts that entertain the man's mind as he plans to kill him are creepily familiar. Poe writes with the intent on creating a very distinct emotion within the reader. For example, there is a great deal of emphasis placed on the adjectives describing just how carefully the man acts in the events leading to the murder."I moved it slowly-very, very slowly,"and, "I undid the lantern cautiously-oh, so cautiously-cautiously," as well as, "I kept pushing it on steadily, steadily." Then, once he opens the door to the old man's room, and the old man awakens-he describes what he knows the old man is thinking and feeling. "His fears had been ever since growing upon him. He had been trying to fancy them causeless, but could not. He had been saying to himself-'It is nothing but the wind in the chimney-it is only a mouse crossing the floor,' or 'it is merely a cricket which has made a single chirp.' Yes, he had been trying to comfort himself with these suppositions: but he had found all in vain. All in vain." It was when I read these lines that I realized how similar Poe's various works are. Those lines reminded me immediately of The Raven.
"...While I nodded nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, 'tapping at my chamber door'-Only this and nothing more."
...And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain thrilled me-filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before; so that now to still the beating of my heart I stood repeating, 'Tis some vistor entreating entrance at my chamber door'...This it is and nothing more.
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer...here I opened wide the door. Darkness there and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, doubting dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before..."

It is clear from both The Tell-Tale Heart and The Raven alone that the central concept of Poe's revolves around fear and anxiety. I can relate because I've suffered from anxiety most of my life, and had a particularly difficult time when I was younger, when I first read Poe. As well as being riddled with anxiety, I also have many notes of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I believe that these two go hand in hand. Just as in The Black Cat the man comes to loathe the second cat as well, the thought of avoiding the cat, the thoughts of hatred, preoccupy his mind. And in The Tell-Tale Heart the man demonstrates the same behavior. He comes to hate the old man's eye. The idea of it begins to haunt him. He becomes obsessed with it.

It's this fear and anxiety and obsession that I find myself relating to. Reading the stories alone give me a familiar sense of anxiety. I've had panic attacks before, bad ones. I know what it is like to become obsessed with a thought. It seems that your mind is stuck in a loop and there is no way out. You begin to panic and your body reacts physically as well. Your having trouble breathing, your body switches temperatures rapidly, your tense, your shaking, and in the worst cases there is that feeling of disillusionment. That last feeling is always the worst, its with that that I finally abandon all my thoughts and the only one left is that I don't want to die.

Human beings experience a broad range of emotions every minute. Within one instance it is quite common and natural to flip through countless emotions. We are narrative creatures, which means we always, always have at least inner monologue. For example, say I wake up in the morning, what thoughts and feelings run through my head within a minute? I'm awake, I'm feeling irritated. The sun is shining through the window, I feel happy. I realize I'm late for class, I become worried, confused, discomforted, annoyed. I remember that I don't actually have class that day, I'm relieved. It is when we get stuck with one emotion that we begin to panic, in most cases that emotion is fear.

I found another common theme in Poe's writing. His characters are in such situations that you begin to become aware that love and hate are the same emotion. These emotions are felt and dealt with with equal passion.

...to be continued

Notes on cummings

I have fallen in love with the poetry of e.e. cumings.

Anyone who knows me well would understand why the seemingly illiterate poet, first made me cringe. His work was hard to swallow, but still the words were surprisingly sweet. I read these poems over and over again. Eventually I stumbled upon a plethora of appreciation for what I would call the "indefinite errors" of cummings. Now when I read, I read not only the words, but the spaces; the irregular punctuation and impractical use of parenthesis. I no longer see these errors as errors, but as essentials to cummings abstract style.
His use of grammar and phonetics, (and/or lack thereof) is closer to literary genius than to illiteracy. Words and punctuation have been a meaningful way to express myself. Cummings and I have this in common, we write as we would speak. I have accepted the laws of the English language and have dedicated myself to upholding it in its purest form, it's just kind of a pet peeve of mine...
Cummings however, has managed to manipulate language more effectively than anyone else ever has. He forces language to cater to him, and his own form of expression. I would consider myself somewhat of an artist- and poetry, writing- they are arts.
I have now overcome my fear of illiteracy by remembering that art transcends all boundaries, all laws, all guidelines. "Since feeling is first, who pays any attention to the syntax of things?"

Anyway...I picked a few of my favorite ones out of my book...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
suppose

Life is an old man carrying flowers on his head.

young death sits in a cafe
smiling, a piece of money held between
his thumb and first finger

(i say "will he buy flowers" to you
and "Death is young
life wears velour trousers
life totters, life has a beard" i

say to you who are silent- "do you see
Life? he is there and here,
or that, or this
or nothing or an old man 3 thirds
asleep, on his head
flowers, always crying
to nobody about something les
roses les bluets
yes,
will He buy?
Les belles bottes-oh hear
, pas cheres")

and my love slowly answered I think so, But
I think I see someone else

there is a lady, whose name is Afterwards
she is sitting beside young death, is slender
likes flowers.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"next to of course god america i
love you land of the pilgrims' and so forth oh
say can you see by the dawn's early my
country 'tis of centuries come and go
and are no more what of it we should worry
in every language even deafanddumb
thy sons acclaim your glorious name by gorry
by jingo by gee by gosh by gum
why talk of beauty what could be more beaut-
iful than these heroic happy dead
who rushed like lions to the roaring slaughter
they did not stop to think they died instead
then shall the voice of liberty be mute?"

He spoke. And drank rapidly a glass of water.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humanity i love you
because you would rather black the boots of
success than enquire whose soul dangles from his
watch-chain which woud be embarrassing for both

parties and because you
unflinchingly applaud all
songs containing the words country home and
mother when sung at the old howard.

Humanity i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush pride keeps

you from the pawn shop and because you are continually committing
nuisances but more
esecially in yur own house

Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
life in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down

on it
and because ou are forever making poems in the lap
of death Humanity

i hate you
------------------------------------------------------------

Since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

Wholly to be a fool
While spring is in the world

My blood approves
And kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
Lady I swear by all the flowers. Don't cry
-The best gesture of my brain is
less than your eyelids' flutter which
says

We are for each other; then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death I think is no parenthesis

American Lit. Essay Exam 2

Were the founding fathers/mothers in fact, exceptional?

Depending on one's definition of 'exceptional,' I think it would still be fair to say that yes, they were exceptional. My English teacher senior year of high school once said that the American constitution has withstood the test of time longer than any other legal document. Those who composed the constitution, as well as the Declaration of Independence wrote these exceptional documents because they had exceptional ideas. Though in American History, the founding mothers/fathers tend to fade away as some sort of deities, further in depth reading of their work and autobiographies humbles them. This bumbling, however, does them justice. I was at first confused about Thomas Jefferson's "paradoxical views" of the Native Americans and the African Americans. His relations with Sally Hemming's are certainly a contradiction of his attitude towards blacks. For Jefferson to clearly state that, "All men are created equal," while also plainly stating in Notes ..."and proves that their inferiority is not the effect of their condition of life (in reference to blacks)," causes him to appear very hypocritical. This is confusing but nonetheless I find myself all most respecting Jefferson more for not necessarily wanting to act on the right notion personally, but putting personal desires aside to recognize what is morally right for the country. I also was impressed by the letters of Abigail Adams. Though it would appear that women were certainly suppressed during this colonial era, Abigail is one of many that did not sit quietly. Her request to John Adams regarding the rights of women in the new code of laws shows that all men (and women!) are created equal. The most exceptional attribute of these men and women were not their perfection, but rather their imperfection, and their ability to even still develop the exceptional ideas that have founded this country.

Discuss one of the writers whose work you admire.

I admire Thomas Paine because he accomplished the highest set goal of a writer- to get people to consider, to influence. Common Sense is an excellent piece of writing. It is not to difficult to read or interpret. The ideas in Common Sense are plainly stated and explained so rationally that they can not be doubted. He makes clear that America is only of instramental value to Great Britain through passeges such as, "We have boasted the protection of Great Britain, without considering that her motive was interest not attachment, and that she did not protect us from our enemies on our account, but from her enemies on her own account, from those who had no quarrel with us on any other account, and who will always be our enemies on the same account." This statement is great because not only does it show that Great Britain has no true altruistic value for America, but that also Great Britain is of no value at all to America. In fact, Paine points out very plainly that ties with Great Britain are only proving to be a burden. He makes other solid points such as when he points out that William the conqueror, the first king of England, was French. He makes a valid argument here when he makes it clear that everything has to start somewhere, and that if Great Britain really belives that it should have dominion over America, then by the same argument France is entitled to England. This piece of writing has been one of my favorites primarily for its simple yet effective langauge and I believe it had the strongest impact on colonists during the confusing times of the Revolutionary War.

American Lit. Essay Exam 1

Of these authors whom we've read whom would you include/exclude in your own anthology of American Literature?

Of all the authors we have read this far, Anne Bradstreet has interested me the most and bored me the least. As a borderline feminist, or just someone who takes pride in intelligent women, I think that Bradstreet's literary accomplishments do a lot of justice not only for American Literature, but also for the roles of women in it. I can name very few women whose work I am familiar with from this era and I was unfamiliar with Bradstreet until today. I think that she writes eloquently and uses diction that is not to incomprehensible but still powerful. Judging by the critiques of her work and what little I know of her life, she appears to have been not only a strong and passionate woman, but also one of great virtue and faith. I think that these things are reflected in her work and represent a good example of a woman who is intelligent but also humble and unpretentious. Many of the women and feminists of the 20th century and current seem to use abrasion to make themselves heard, or demand respect. This is all and well but I have much greater respect for a woman who is smart and skilled and presents herself in a respectable manner. All personal attributes aside, I really like her poetry. The themes of the poems are very real, and she approaches this reality with not cynicism, but with great faith and optimism.

Who was right-Morton or Bradford?

It would be nonsensical to assume that either men were right in their convictions. They were both somewhat extreme men in their beliefs. Perhaps I am being biased by taking Morton's side since I've all ready had to argue on his behalf. Though I think the manner of which Morton presented himself could have been more effective had he possessed a little more finesse, I would agree with his perspective. I would only agree with his perspective based on my own views and beliefs, and obviously if his beliefs correlate with my own, then I consider them 'right' or I would not believe them at all. Based on my own views of religion and humanity and just my general personality, I would have embraced the Native Americans as well. I think it is important, though it may seem naive, to strive for some element of peace, at least for the sake of a universal and comfortable coexistence. And also, I am the kind of person who likes to try to relate to people. Bradford may have seen Morton as a traitor or a menace, but Morton was really a businessman. His networking with the Native Americans won their favor and in turn won him the ability to live a more comfortable life. I think that Morton was right to not disregard the Native Americans and instead look at them as humans. He saw them as humans functioning civilly, with their own sets of laws, practices, and beliefs, and he was able to see that the real difference between their culture and his own was minimal. Morton's only problem was that he was too much of a progressive thinker for his time.

To whom it may concern

October 1st 2007

I'm keeping this collection of epistolary essays. This is the part of the first one I added to it. It's addressed to my future first child....and that concept seems a little weird. But...we had a debate in one of my literature classes the other day about whether or not letters could be considered 'literature'. I would say absolutely, if essays are considered so. I've grown up learning to write through letters. This is why now I write in essay format, because I've always been in the habit of addressing someone. Well beyond that, one of Anne Bradstreet's works was a letter she left for her children. Her children were all ready born of course, but I guess you could say I was also influenced by the Bright Eyes song "No Lies just Love", I love the concept...I'm pretty sure you can tell...


"I wrote this for you who has yet to be born. I wrote this for you who may never be born. Nonetheless, you all ready exist in my thoughts and dreams, your well being all ready concerns me.

My mother was younger than I am now when she gave birth to me. To be exact, she was four years younger, only eighteen. I think that now, though I am at a both selfish and unstable point in my life, it is only natural that I begin to think and even dream, in a more maternal dialect. I have dreams, realistic ones in which (I assume) I fabricate my own future. What has especially caught my attention, is that these dreams are never of me on my wedding day. They are not of me and my potential husband. And also, they are not far fetched or lavish. In these dreams it is only me and you.

You see, my greatest and only real true fear, is that I may ruin (for lack of a better term) the life of another person. It is for this reason that I am afraid to someday get married. I am afraid that I may in someway hold my husband back from accomplishing what he is meant to, or wants to, accomplish. I'm afraid that I may not possess enough emotional and intellectual strength to ensure that I do not suppress his freedom as an individual. For this same reason, I am afraid to be a mother. Even more so than I am afraid to marry am I afraid to be a mother. I have friends all around me, my age and all ready raising children. The responsibility of this terrifies me. The responsibility of a grown man is one concern, but the responsibility of a child- naive, impressionable, and optimistic- is an incredible obligation. How can I be certain that I will be strong enough as a person, mentally, physically, and emotionally, to raise you? Everything I say and do will potentially affect you, and I can only hope that it will be positively. I want you to grow up strong, virtuous, fierce, and intelligent. What and whom you choose to be, you shall be. But I promise you now, that I will do my best to give you the foundation you deserve so that you may learn to be successful in all of your endeavors.

There is a long list of virtues we are told to live by. I however, do not want you to live a certain way because you are told or made to believe that it is right. I want you to understand them, realize why they are important, weigh them carefully and exercise them wisely. Do not just possess them, but be active with them, this is truly virtuous.

Just as Aristotle comprised virtues into Nicomachean ethics, which he named after his son so that he and others may one day live by them, I am writing this letter to you with the same intent.

I have asked people that I consider to have known me fairly well, what my greatest qualities are. I was caught off guard when I was most often told curiosity, but have since realized it to be my greatest attribute. For this reason, I will raise you to always ask questions. Children are notorious for asking countless questions, and while I have all ready been guilty of finding this irritating, I promise you my patience. You will almost certainly hear in your childhood the phrase, "Curiosity killed the cat," but curiosity only killed the cat if the cat was reckless. It is more believable, that curiosity persecuted the cat. Do not be frightened of judgment. Ask questions, seek truth, and do so with conviction.

One of my most common weaknesses, is that I am at the mercy of my pride. This has oftentimes gotten me into trouble. My pride as a teenager would not allow me to accept the possibility that I may be wrong. My pride as a young adult has made it difficult for me to be as open and forthcoming with others as I would like to be. My pride has gotten me into many fights and it has prevented me from accepting justified criticism. You see, with great pride we become self righteous. We develop and utilize defense mechanisms so that we are constantly justifying ourselves and our actions. Do not, however, assume that this means that you should not be proud of who you are. Pride is considered one of the seven deadly sins, but still I insist that you possess some element of pride, as this is necessary in gaining self respect. In this manner, this is not pure pride, but integrity. You can be proud of your existence, but be free of haughtiness. Have the audacity to challenge but the humility to consider.

It has long been said that patience is a virtue. And again, here is another virtue that I am guilty of not exercising as frequently as I should. Sometimes it seems as though I am in a constant state of rushing. I oftentimes have to catch myself in this habit and remind myself to slow down. This American society revolves around speed, consistency, punctuality, and convenience. I beg you to take your time. Know that it is not necessary to be constantly busy and that though with patience you may move slowly, you can still be diligent and productive. Do not let work and responsibilities distract you from who you are and what is around you. You have an obligation to acknowledge your surroundings. Do not put aesthetics at the center of your life, but certainly do not disregard beauty. Life is indeed a journey but take time in getting acquainted with the people and things along the way. Do not underestimate the power of silence and stillness. I encourage you to be patient in both your thoughts and actions. Learn to master impulse. Do not get caught up in the quickness of things, when situations escalate quickly, they erode even more quickly. With patience comes a sense of contentment and ease, that could not otherwise be achieved.

Commandment number 9, "Thou shalt not bear false witness." Your childhood will be riddled with stories whose moral is honestly. You will hear about George Washington and the cutting down of the cherry tree, and you will undoubtedly hear about the boy who cried wolf. I can assure you, that this is one of the most difficult virtues to comprehend. There will be times when you will find yourself in a conundrum, in which case you may feel that honesty does not alleviate the greater good. You will find yourself wanting to lie in order to maintain a 'greater truth". Honesty is certainly not easy, but it is for this reason that it is possibly the most virtuous. Be honest, be bold, but do so when it is deemed necessary. As you will hear, as well as feel for yourself, that the truth hurts. The truth is, we live in a universe in which we cannot be certain of truth. I realize that this is ironic, but it is irony that is at the root of the human condition. The only thing a person has in this world is their word and their own truth, do not sacrifice it.

My favorite of Christian ideals, above all, is the beatitudes. As my grandmother would say, I am to think of the beatitudes as a set of 'attitudes' in which I should live by. I've all ready mentioned the importance of humility, which is a beatitude in itself, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." I've chosen a great deal of the beatitudes to quote for you because they are testaments of God, because after each statement comes a promise, just as this letter is my testament to you.

"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." Mercy, is another of the many virtues that is consistently misconstrued as a weakness. Be sure that you never mistake mercy as weakness. Do not underestimate the power in forgiveness. Remember that the Christian bible regards God as both "powerful and merciful." Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. I can not stress to you enough the importance of forgiveness. With forgiveness comes freedom. You may not want to free those who have done you wrong from the burden of guilt that their wrong doing has probably granted them. However, realize that in forgiving others, you free yourself. Keep yourself free of all bitterness and resentment. It is okay to be weary, it is okay to be skeptical, but do not allow yourself to harbor anger. Read again the beginning of this paragraph and take note of the promise God makes, "for they shall obtain mercy." Just as you have forgave, so shall you be forgiven.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." I have, in my life, been accused of being a sadist. Though it is certain that the term was used in an exaggerated sense, it unsettled me. I acknowledged suffering in a way that others did not, and though some may have saw that as exploitation, my goal was to make them aware of it, and their response only affirmed my goal. Always, always remain sympathetic to the human condition. Remember that we are all forced to have the same struggle, we are all on the same path in search of truth. You will experience many misfortunes and sufferings in your lifetime. Just as you will experience these things, so will others, and some will experience them ten fold. Our lives are infested with obstacles. Be sympathetic, yes, but do not be just that. Be actively sympathetic. When you see someone who has been set back, do not merely sympathize, but do your best to give them your hand and help to guide them back on course. Do this even if it temporarily sets you back, and do this for the sake of charity, and never self gratification.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled." I can only hope that you, like your mother, possess a strong passion for justice. Do not let others try to fool you with false ethics to try to justify wrong doing. Everyday of your life you will be fighting for a freedom that is all ready yours. You will be fighting for the same ideal that everyone around you will be fighting for. Do your best to always uphold justice, in being sure to not condemn, or impede on, the right of everyone to be free. But be forewarned, that with this virtue comes a lifetime of unrest. Know that things will never be right in the world, but do not let this prevent you from making even the smallest difference. Fight for yourself, and fight for each other.

There is a virtue that I hold dearly to my heart. It goes hand in hand with honesty, and that is loyalty. It is going to be difficult for me to explain to you the value of loyalty. This is difficult because I also want to stress to you someday attachments and the application of emotion. But for now, I will keep it more simplistic. First you must learn to be completely independent before you can understand the true concept of loyalty and love. Firstly, never mistake loyalty for dependency. Be loyal because you care about the cause or person you are loyal to. Be loyal to your friends and your family.

You may find this to be one of the hardest virtues, and in that case you would be right. There are especially contradictions in loyalty. There will most definitely come times when the loyalty of one subject contradicts the loyalty you have to another. Again, you will have to evaluate what is the greater good in this manner, and it will not be easy. Most importantly, be loyal to yourself. Be loyal to your values. You must remember to never sell yourself out.

All of your experiences and inexperiences will amount to your perspective on life. Perspective is the subjective view of how you see the world. It is yours alone and no one will ever see things as you do. Be cautious on how you articulate this perspective as it will influence all of your thoughts and actions. Find good balance between darkness and light. Appreciate your good fortunes but also remember the misfortunes of others. Do not let this get you down, but rather use it to even more so appreciate the things that you are lucky enough to have. You will not be overtaken with resentment if you keep in mind that someone somewhere is dealing with something much, much worse. Do not get angry when you have so much, and be appreciative even when you have little.

Remain open minded at all times so that your outlook on life is broad and always allows for growth. Remember these lines as written in the Tao and live by them, "The sound traveler stays two steps back and remains awake to all that is possible."

Do not be pretentious. Not everyone will agree with you, or you them. Have the respect to let them be heard. Do not become frustrated if your belief is not the same as another. Do not be overly aggressive about your beliefs. People do not respond positively to aggression and will only become defensive. Trying to force someone to entertain an idea will only cause them to resent you, and will earn you no respect. Remember that silence is a virtue in itself. Sometimes the most profound revelations in life go unspoken. Think of the words of Poe, "Convinced myself, I seek not to convince."

With your birth is also born great responsibility. I do not even mean to me, but in this case, to you. You will be responsible for yourself, and your development as an individual. You will be responsible for others, as a member of the human race. You have a responsibility to life, and the protection of all living creatures. And lastly, you will have a responsibility to civilization and society. It is a machine that we have created in order to maintain our freedom with respect to that of others. It oftentimes may become corrupt or broken, but you have a responsibility to fix it and keep it running. Apply all of these virtues to your responsibilities, and be aware that they may at times contradict. Do not be afraid of contradictions. We, like this universe, as Walt Whitman said, are "large, and contain multitudes."

Value the concept of balance. Acknowledge that everything that is, is because it isn't somewhere or something else. Realize that love and hate are the same ailment and contain equal passion. Without hate, there would be no love. Remember this also in respect to life. Learn to respect death, and do not be afraid of it. Know that it is the very abruptness and uncertainty of death that gives this life any meaning at all. As I will teach you to Remember this, my favorite quote, "Those living deeply have no fear of death."

Just as life compliments death, and love compliments hate, always keep in mind that everything is really the same. Everything will appear to be contrary to something else, but this is not true. There are no real opposites in life. There is only what is, the things that we can conceive. The opposite of anything is nothing, and nothing, like the idea of God, is something that we cannot comprehend. So with this I want you to also realize the dangers of indifference. The only emotion that is neither positive nor negative, and that has no alternative, is indifference. And this is because to be indifferent is to apathetic, to have no passion. Indifference is tempting because it appears to be safe, but do not be fooled. Emotion is what makes us human. Learn to feel, and to feel effectively. Never be afraid of emotion, but always be conscious of it..."

ism

We are sensual beings. We decipher information based on our senses. Through sight, smell, taste, touch, and vision. Our brain processes information based on color, depth, scent, bitterness or sweetness, bright or dark, soft or hard, cold or hot. These senses are natural, and all living creatures posses their own range of senses.
It could be said that it is human nature for us to think in terms in which we classify information by breaking it down categorically. The flaw in this statement is only that I have theorized that there is no such thing as human nature. Humanity is not natural, this is true. Humanity is man made. And in this case, humanity is a sixth sense.
What makes us different from animals is the fact that we can propose a logical argument. We can challenge the idea of anything with reason or logic. We are animals but we are not completely animalistic. What separates us from animals is the ability to apply the concept of ethics to our thoughts and consider the potential effects and consequences of our actions, as well as their alternatives.
A few events and conversations lately have had me concerned. Even though they were all separate situations, they seemed to leave my mind entertaining the same thoughts. I feel concerned, and this is why I choose to address this.
First, on the evening of September 11th I was on campus. The circle outside of the union was surrounded with hundreds of tiny American flags. It was actually very beautiful, all these tiny flags blowing in the wind. We sat nearby and listened to a guy practice playing "Taps" on his trumpet. Patriotism has always been something that really brought on a surge of emotion in me. Whenever I hear Taps I have flashbacks to my grandfathers funeral, he was a veteran and so someone played taps at the conclusion of the funeral, at which point I completely broke into hysterics for the first time since his death. So we were sitting staring at the memorial and some guys walked by, making some derogatory comments about America. Me and my friend found this to be rude and offensive, mostly because it was just a sensitive day for everyone. A little later we caught the end of a memorial service as some military men walked out of the union, holding giant flags and followed by maybe a hundred or so students all carrying candles. Everyone stood in silence, just as many all across the United States were at that same moment.
The next night we were sitting around the table at a friends house just having general discussion when we brought up the memorial service. We mentioned the guys who made the comments we found to be rude and another one of my friends defended it as their right to freedom of speech. But more importantly, he brought up a valid point that I had never thought about before, and felt kind of foolish that I had not seen it myself. He asked what the deaths of all the people on 9/11 have to do with America. They were Americans, yes, but they weren't putting their lives on the line for America. They weren't actively fighting for America. They were just innocent people, going to work, running errands, doing everyday things. These people were Americans it is true, but just because a large quantity of them were killed simultaneously, its almost as if that is all we see them as. And it is all we see them as because their deaths had to be avenged. How did America avenge their deaths? War.
If I were to die tomorrow would my death be marked by an American flag? Would people forever remember me first as Kendra, an American. No, they would remember me as an individual, a person, a human being. Being an American is just a bi-product. Our troops, our soldiers, they are disposable men and women. Someone said this once my senior year of high school in Government class. Some of my classmates were severely offended but my teacher assured us that he was right. Men and women of the military sign up and agree to put their lives on the line for America. Those who were killed on 9/11 however, they never signed any contract. I realize that I too was blinded by patriotism, a patriotism that in this particular situation, was not necessarily justified. I too was a victim of government manipulation and propaganda. From now on I will regard those who died on 9/11 as not Americans who died for America that we must avenge, but as people, individuals with families and lives, who died for no reason at all.

Secondly, shortly after the 9/11 event but still within the same week, I had a conversation with my grandma. She had received a questionnaire in the mail and asked me what I knew about immigration. I told her I had my opinions but they were based on morality more so than statistic or law, but I knew a decent amount. I printed her off a blog I had written back in I think the Spring, in response to the immigration boycotts that took place across the country. The boycotts were led by people of Hispanic descent, both those who were in this country legally and illegally. My essay I had written in response to it talked a great deal about migrant workers, illegal aliens, et cetera. I was disgusted by the counter protest that took place in Southern California, where people actually got together to build a fence along the border. I respect their right to support border control, but my god, it was just the principle of the matter. America, which used to be a country of refuge for the oppressed and misfortuned, seeking a new home in the 'land of opportunities', was now closing her doors. My grandma read it and agreed with me. But she also made a point to assure me that it was not the Mexicans she was worried about, not at all, but those Muslims. We let them in and allow them to stay here and all the while they are taking advantage of it by learning how to fly and planning to attack us. I tried not to laugh, as my grandma is usually surprisingly open minded when I try to offer her a younger and more progressive perspective. Unfortunately, this just sounded so sadly cliche and unfortunately common. I didn't want to flat out tell her that that was a completely ignorant thing to say, but rather offered her a few examples to put it into context. Not all of the 1.5 billion Muslims in the world hate America. Some do, there is no doubt about that. But to condemn an entire group of religious people for the ignorant actions of only a small fragment of people, is ludicrous. It is true that the terrorist network who is responsible for 9/11 considers this war a Jihad, or holy war. But as I said, these people do not represent an entire community of people. They are only a small fraction of the Muslim population, and as in any religion, Islam also has its extremists. I pointed out that Hitler was a Christian, but do the Jews hate all Christians? Are Jews weary of every Christian because they assume that any Christian automatically hates them and has malicious intent towards them and their communities? Of course not, and neither does the rest of the world. We regard Hitler as a man, a leader, a German, but more importantly we regard him as a sadistic individual whose intelligence was unfortunately ill spent on hatred and evil. Better yet, what about Timothy McVeigh? He committed a terrorist act against America. Not only did he reside in America, but he was born and raised. How come after the Oklahoma City bombing no one begin to grow weary of every white American male? Why did we not declare war on terrorism then? What and who did Timothy McVeigh represent? Shall we persecute them?

Lastly, I've seen bits and pieces about the JENA 6 on the news lately, but was fairly unfamiliar with the story in its entirety. I read an article in the Times the other day and learned a little more about it. Tonight I looked it up and read some more but was confused because it just sounded so extreme that I knew there was no way we were getting all the facts. Maybe I am just lucky I am from the north. Maybe I am fortunate enough to be from a place that even though it is still the Midwest, the general population is somewhat cultured enough that this blatant element of racism exists only in very rare occurrences. I looked at some videos on youtube, mostly video blogs by just random people, stating their opinions. I came to one that I did not even watch completely, but rather was distracted by the comments below it. The comments amazed me because they were completely off topic to begin with. There was one guy who commented frequently and everyone praised him and coincided. I can't imagine why. His opinions were completely asinine, ignorant, racist, and written in vain. The first one that caught my attention was this:

"Not to metion all the unwed black girls that leave their babies in dumpsters to die. Give a statistic and I will show you what race is commiting more of these type crimes than whites."

He wrote this to demonstrate that racial difference was a big problem in this country, as if minorities, most specifically blacks, were the cause of all the problems here? I was instantly angry, because this especially is a subject that really strikes a chord with me. I wrote in response:

"This comment strikes me as surprisingly ignorant. This is not a matter of race, contrary to popular belief. Young white women also have left babies in trash cans, and this is an unfortunate occurrence either way. These crimes and social problems come down to not issues of race but issues of poverty. These statistics of black women who have left their babies in trash cans to die, their motive wasn't being black. Since you are big on statistics I'm assuming you know that minorities have some of the biggest families, they raise plenty of healthy children. These women have other options, undoubtedly, but they do these things because they can't take care of their children, and why? Yes, it is true that the majority of those in poverty are minorities. Yes, it is true that the majority of those in poverty are black. If you've ever studied economics than you are well aware that the cycle of poverty is extremely difficult to escape. And as far fetched as it may sound, sit and think one day, about the reason why there might be so many minorities in poverty. Us whites, we have had a head start. It wasn't until after hundreds of years of suppression that the blacks were finally able to actively get involved in the work force, and begin to make the same amount of money as any white male. Think about it, slaves were 'freed' after the civil war, but it wasn't until 100 years later, in the 1960's, that they were really able to finally claim the freedom they had been granted. I'm not saying that this is any fault of us who are white, I am not my ancestors. All I can say is that it is wise to stop and think about the possibility of why a social problem may be occurring, identify trends, and in this case instead of saying it is what it is, think about what it could be. You've identified a problem, now identify a solution. And make a more intelligent argument next time. "

All in all, the overall conceptions of Americans have me really concerned lately. We, but not we alone, have chosen to regard ourselves as Americans. We are Americans. But we are also so much more. Every person on this planet is born with levels of responsibility. First we are responsible for the well being of ourselves, as individuals. We are responsible for each other, as a species, and thus humanity is born. We are responsible for all living creatures. We are responsible for society and civilization, the machine we have built and must continue to run. And the point here is, that in the beginning we are responsible for ourselves, and thus above all things we are individuals. Beyond that we are human beings, and then living beings. Only lastly are we black, white, Americans, French, Indonesian, Democrats, Republicans, Children, Adults, Christians, Muslims, Hindus, big, small, tall, short, et cetera. I've addressed a lot of things in this, patriotism, nationalism, racism, terrorism, et cetera. But above all things, we need to come to terms with the most important 'ism' of all, humanism.

The terrorist attacks on 9/11, its counter war, racism, persecution, genocide, and indifference- These are not crimes against a nation, these are crimes against humanity.

It would be beneficial if we would all ask ourselves just one question, and really think about it and come to terms with it, and know that we can change it. My name is Kendra, I'm 22 years old, I'm a female, brown hair, blue eyes, average weight and height, American, Ohioan, white, Liberal, college student, social drinker and smoker, agnostic. These things are part of me but they are not even close to the definition of who I am. I am not a statistic.
What defines you?

All is well that ends well

September 7th 2007

Prima, quae vitam dedit, hora corpsit.
Simone de Beauvoir begins "The Ethics of Ambiguity" with this quote; "The continuous work of our life, is to build death." This was the end note of my final conversation of the evening. Is it not true? Why is value so important to us? Why do we value objects, each other? If nothing else we live our lives struggling to build some element of merit that will carry on into, and beyond our death. The person I was talking with, he argued with me that the point of life is to live and continue to live. And though we will one day die, we continue to still reproduce and carry on our species. I agree with this, but I believe we're saying the same thing.
I was reading some of the work of Anne Bradstreet today. Both a brilliant woman and writer, and also a woman of great faith. What captivated me the most was the letter that Bradstreet wrote for her children. Upon her death she wrote and clearly stated her intentions. And with that also a poem, in which ends with...
"And 'fore she once would let you fly
She shew'd you joy and misery,
Taught what was good, and what was ill,
What would save life, and what would kill.
Thus gone, amongst you I may live,
And dead, yet speak and counsel give.
Farewell, my birds, farewell, adieu,
I happy am, if well with you."
I immediately decided that I was going to do the same. I want nothing more then for my children to learn through me, and I want to prepare myself for this by building a foundation within myself that is strong.
Many men who I respect have said one of two things to me, if not both; Kendra, you are one of the most intelligent women I have ever met. Kendra, you are one of the strongest women I have ever met.
I find it hard to agree with this, I want too, and often do, ask why. But at the same time, I take it for what it is. I don't claim to be of sound intelligence, and I certainly don't claim to be strong. But hearing it again tonight put me into a new perspective. One of which I know, is of a greater benefit then any other perspective I have previously held. It is true that I have become more arrogant in my demeanor. I think highly of myself, and rightfully so. But I am also very humbled. The thing is, tonight I realized that everyone has or will have a first love. It is not just any love, it is something that we will hold to the highest regard throughout our lives. My first love was curiousity. I loved to learn, I loved to question, I loved to explore my options. No human being can ever give me greater a reward or satisfaction then that that I have gotten out of this. Knowledge is unconditional, and the quest for it will never fail me.
Many people will tell you that you will have to fight for what you want. I'm not a fighter. I have nothing to fight for. The fact is, how do I, or any of us for that matter, know what we want? My grandpa used to tell me when I said that I needed something, "Kendra Nichole, do you need it, or do you just want it?" Oftentimes it had something to do with something along the lines of cookies. But now it means so much more. Now I see that I am asking myself the same question to some effect. We want what we are conditioned to want, but do we need it?
Not usually. There are many things that I want, and they bring me temporary happiness, which is all that I can account for. What is it though, that I, or any of us, need out of life? The answer is exactly what I said before. All we really need in our lives is purpose. The thing that I've come to realize is something that I've always known but never wanted to accept. The primary sense of purpose I get out of life does not come from objects, things of materialistic value, and also, it does not come from people. I do get some purpose out of these things yes, but not the profound and ultimate purpose I am looking for. I would love nothing more then to find a person who gives me a reason to live. But this is completely nonsensical. It is cute to believe that everyone has a soul mate or something of the sort, but is it rational? Does it even matter? Maybe, there does in fact exist some man who has the capacity to fully understand my persona. Maybe there is someone who would see no change when my side profession of actress becomes retired. This is hard for me to comprehend, being that even the most intuitive and intelligent of men have yet to really understand how I think and feel and why I think and feel. The fact is, I've humor them all into believing that they have an idea. Why? I'm not really sure. I suppose for the sake of their pride, or maybe just because I don't want to tell them otherwise. More than likely it is really just because I see no purpose in striving to prove myself to someone whom I've all ready determined is never going to get it. If such a man exists, I wish him well. Our paths will probably never cross.
The interesting thing is that I used to be very distressed about feeling misunderstood. I did all in my power to fight the perceptions of other people so that they could see what it is I really stand for. I have since come to accept that this is a losing battle. Everything is subjective and we are subjective to everything. The difference in understanding this, is that now I don't see it as a negative thing, in fact I find some sort of satisfaction in knowing that I am the only one who will ever really know me. I am a keeper of a great secret.
I've never worn my heart on my sleeve. And I wonder, especially lately, if this makes me considerably less honest. The problem is the process. I feel something, feelings I guess that you could say come from the heart. Those feelings are portrayed, but there is a middleman that is overlooked or disregarded. That middleman is rationale. Because somewhere between feeling and acting comes thinking. I would love to act solely on feelings, if for nothing more then social experiment. How would others react? Is that something that a person can really handle? I guess you could say, that my mind intercepts these feelings and turns them over countless times, beating them senselessly with the ideas of potential consequences. I guess you could say, that I'm sparing you the weight of the truth.
The thing about Beauvoir that really amazes me, is the relationship she had with Sartre. I read into it a lot, read the letters they wrote to each other, read about their lives. They were life long partners, respected eachother to the highest extent. But one thing that stood out to me was the question in an essay, how did Beauvoir really feel about the relationship? It would be very unconventional to believe that Beauvoir lived her life contently with her pseudo relationship with her colleague and never strived for anything more. It would be unconventional to believe that she never secretly longed for something as cliche as marriage, or some commitment worthy of third party recognition. It is hard for me to believe. And because of this I insert an element of sadness into everything of hers that I read. Maybe we are wrong though, maybe she was in fact content. Maybe she actually held everything that I have said in writing this to be true. If this be the case, God I admire her.
Many people would be uneasy accepting that the continuous work of our life is to build death. But it would only be uneasy for the same reason that anything causes us unease, and that is fear. I however think that this is a beautiful thing to accept. As Anais Nin brilliantly put it, "Those living deeply have no fear of death."
The subject matter seems morose. But if you know me at all you know that that is not how I percieve life. Call it postivism, call it optimisim, call it whatever you'd like. It is those questions, not their answers, that keep me fulfilled.

Journal 2

August 28th 2007
6.What psychological type/what yoga do you see yourself following.

(Yoga- Hinduism- "the path to God")

Because it is regarded as the shortest and steepest path to divine realization, and requires as Smith says, a rare combination of rationality and spirituality (p.32), I feel like an elitist in saying that Jnana yoga is probably the path for me. It almost seems destined that I choose the "path of knowledge." Ironically my name, 'Kendra', is anglo-saxon for knowledge, or all knowing. Oftentimes when I was younger I would just sit around and stare into the distance, where eventually my mother would come in and give me something to do because she said I looked bored. I always argued with her that I was just thinking, and that is doing something. I've always evaluated everything through thought, options, and research.

What specifically caught my attention on the concept of Jnana yoga was this passage: "The key to the project is discrimination, the power to distinguish between the surface self that crowds the foreground of attention and the larger self that is out of sight." This is something I can relate to because it is something that I have struggled with since I began to be aware of myself as well as my social surroundings around the age of 6. I know me more than anyone else, and the center of my being is something that cannot be expressed through any human form of expression, whether it be language, art, music, or action. I have accumulated much anxiety in the past in the futile attempt to relay the essence of my being to other people. The fact is that we are all open to interpretation. Everyone views the world subjectively and we are, always have been, and always will be what any given person wants us to be. The differentiation between the exoteric and intrinsic self is extensive and exhausting to try to cohere. While I find it impractical to continue to attempt to 'be our Being", the unification of the body and soul is something I find to be very important. I'm coming to realize that this is a self realization, and any effort to make others realize it is essentially pointless. We must see ourselves as two selves comparable to a hologram. I like the term, "I am the witness."

I can relate myself to the three techniques of Jnana yoga because I feel that they are approaches of perspective that I am all ready trying to acquire.

Viveka, one of the techniques, means 'discernment' and involves a deliberate, continuous effort to understand that the real you is something separate from the objects of which you are aware (www.realization.org). This to me, is to look at the world completely subjectively without any ties to, and complete freedom from, material objects as well as other people.

Neti-Neti is another technique with means 'not this, not this' in Sanskrit (www.realization.org). This is the struggle to detach oneself from material and temporary objects, as these objects do not make up who we are. My entire life I've been more rational then I have been emotional. I am weary of intimate relationships with other people because I do not like the effects that they tend to have on me. These effects while normal to most people, distract me from other things that I care about, things that I know I deem more important when my vision is not jaded with notions of love and sentiment. I am constantly reminding myself that other people may be essential to my mortal being, but the Self is not dependent on them.

Vicara is another technique translated as "self-inquiry" but really means examination, reflection, or looking within (www.realization.org). As I have said in my first journal regarding my beliefs and non-beliefs, I believe that I will be in a state of contemplation throughout my entire life, attaining balance but never complete peace or truth. I have always constantly adapted new ideas and contemplated them and assessed them over and over. When I move to a new idea, I may come back to an older idea I have previously studied and make comparisons. I determine how these ideas are applicable to humanity, and how they are applicable to myself.

The fundamentals of Jnana yoga all ready seem to be techniques in which I utilize in my personal path of knowledge. And it is my belief, that every persons path is essentially the same. I suppose that I would not necessarily say that their paths are the same as I would say that their desired destinations are the same. We are all on a quest for truth, in one way or another, and that truth is what we wish to attain. The only difference between any of us is the path we choose to take to get there.

I appreciate emotions but I don't allow them to dictate my views on life. I don't see myself as a person on the way to God through work, my body is not nearly half as active as my mind. As I said in the beginning of this journal, my mother always tried to give me something to do because she thought I was bored. I prefer to come to assumptions through process of thought rather than physical processes, they are oftentimes only distracting to me. I could see myself closer to the psychophysical path then any of the other options. But through process of elimination and self-assessment of my learning technique and personality, I still determine that Jnana yoga would be my chosen path.

Journal 1

August 28th 2007

World Religions Journal 1
Your own beliefs or non-beliefs-


Religion is a product of Fundamental Human Neurosis, which comes from the knowledge of impending death. It is from the conflict, that we do not wish to die, while at the same time being conscious of its inevitability, that it is born (Sheppard). Religion is essential to mankind for many reasons. As I first mentioned, we all must except that death is inevitable and that one day we will cease to exist. If we have no other instinct instilled in us, we have at least the desire to survive, both as man, and as a species. In this case, believing that we will in fact someday cease to exist is discomforting. Perhaps religion exists because there is a great element of comfort that comes from believing that there is indeed an afterlife. Or perhaps there is some comfort in believing that we do not bear the full responsibility of complete freedom, as there is an omnipotent being ultimately in charge of a certain destiny that we have no control over. Maybe without the idea of God and eternal damnation/reward, many would render life meaningless, and would conclude that if our existence should one day end indefinitely, then there is no motivation to live either virtuously, or even at all.

I was introduced to religion at an early age. My grandmother taught me how to read through a set of books containing every bible story of the New and Old Testaments. I had read this entire set myself before entering kindergarten. I was not raised to follow any specific Christian doctrine, but most of my Sundays were spent in a Methodist church, and later on in churches of the Nazarene. I had to attend church every Sunday until I was twelve years old, after of which it was then my decision. In the book of Luke at the end of chapter 2, there is a story where Jesus's parents returned to Nazareth from the passover feast in Jerusalem. Upon the realization that Jesus was not with them, they returned to Jerusalem to find him in a temple listening to the teachers and asking questions. His parents asked him why he had done this to them, for he has caused them great anxiety. "And he said to them, "Why is it that you sought me? Did you not know that I must be about my father's business? (Luke 3:49)" Jesus was twelve years old at this time, and this is why my grandma insisted that I go to church until I was twelve, it was the 'age of accountability' as she would say. After I had become a teenager I continued to go to church by myself, as my grandparents had moved away and the rest of my family never attended. My mother would pay me and my younger brother fifty cents a piece to go every Sunday, which we would put into the morning offering anyway.

Because I was raised a Methodist, it was in my nature to be very shy, reserved, and modest. I have changed a great deal since these days, but these qualities are the foundation of my being, and that will never change. The moral code which I live by is also a product of my Christian upbringing, and is again, something that has not changed. I've learned a great deal about Christianity when I was young and have never stopped learning since. However, when I was thirteen I had a spiritual and somewhat mental crisis, and began to reject everything around me. I did not so much reject it per say, but rather I took all the beliefs and ideas I had previously known and began to dismantle and re-evaluate them. I was at a point in my life as Buddha was when he first experienced suffering and then abandoned the life he had been living to seek one of greater purpose. My perspective on the world had turned jaded and cynical and I felt that I had been living blindly until this point in my life. The fact is, I was living blindly- I was a child. It seemed as though I were a child one day, and the next day I had rapidly grown up. I had reached my age of accountability. When I was thirteen I declared war on God.

I spent the remainder of my adolescence studying Paganism, Buddhism, and Native American religion, as well as the other monotheistic Abrahamic religions, Islam and Judaism. I sometimes went more in depth to things like Kabbalistic mysticism and other branches of main religions. I frequently returned to Christianity though. I had found a great deal of what were to me, astonishing correlations between nearly every religion I studied. Luckily my knowledge of Christianity was extensive enough to see things without bias. Though I was young and naïve, I had lacked the pretension to assume that what I was raised with was undoubtedly correct.

When I was twenty years old I began to converse with my biological father who is a minister and also has his Doctorates in Theology with specialization in the Old Testament. We have had many great conversations since then, in which I express my views and concerns and also ask him many questions. He has responded with not only honesty but also with respect of the difference in my opinion. At this time I began to read the Bible again more in depth, and with an older and more mature perspective. I disregarded the majority of the Old Testament as fairy tales and focused on the true foundation of Christianity, the New Testament. My books of choice were of course the first four- the teachings of Jesus, and also the book that perplexes us all- Revelation. The book of Revelation captivated me for weeks, as I read it over and over trying to decipher its intricate metaphors and abstract script. I found a few scriptures that related to some of my beliefs I had taken from other religions, which I found interesting. A problem I have, is that when I get interested in something, I become obsessed with it. I had dreams about this book, I thought about it all the time. I eventually had to quit reading it because it had built up such fear and anxiety in me that I had never felt before. I began to question on whether or not my hiatus I had been taking from Christianity was going to condemn me. It occurred to be that this was the very thing that made me apprehensive about Christianity in the first place. I am not fond of fear tactics. I find that Christianity has turned to a religion whose foundation is fear. I've found the message of Christianity to become corrupt, and many of those who preach that message as well. I've grown tiresome of listening to people like Pat Robertson, who represent not only themselves but everything they stand for, spew ignorance on national television. I can no longer go to church without leaving with some sort of new fear brought to my attention; fear of sin, fear of death, fear of Satan, fear of God, fear of sex, fear of hell, fear of mastercard, fear of Madonna, even fear of each other. When will the scare tactics end? When will we present Christianity as a religion of faith and not fear? Not only does it deeply pain me to see the beloved doctrine that I was raised with, that is the foundation of who I am, so corrupt, but it angers me to no extent. If Jesus wept when Lazarus died, what is he going to do when he comes back to this?

I would not so much say that I have now abandoned Christianity, I still hold it to high regard, but am wearisome of it. In the past year or so I have read a great deal of both Western and Eastern philosophy and have gotten more involved with scientific ideas of God. I have found myself to be exceptionally fond of the Tao Te Ching, which I read almost nightly. It is my belief that religion is what brings a person peace, and this may not always be the conceptualization of God. What brings me peace is balance, and this is something I have allocated in the Tao. As for my idea of God, I discredit the Christian idea of God. I believe that they personify God in a manner that is not divine at all. I find myself relating to the Eastern view of God, which is that God is so complex and beyond the threshold of human comprehension, that we should except and acknowledge it as being, but focus intently on our responsibility to humanity. I don't see God as one entity, I see God as everything, the alpha and the omega, ubiquitous, natural, and the driving force of the universe. I read somewhere once where humans were described as the result of 'tiny bits of God's consciousness, rained down upon the earth." I am fond of this poetic imagery, but it is not different from Genesis, in which it states that God created us in his image.

I have also read a lot of Scientology and philosophy. The Scientology I read is the older works of L.Ron Hubbard pre-corruption of the church of Scientology. I have also been reading a lot of philosophy, especially existentialists. I have taken an interest in Søren Kierkegaard for how he has organized existence into three categories, the aesthetic, the ethical, and the religious. All of these categories are in order with the aesthetic being the first, which to me is the understanding of the self, the individual, and the freedom we posses. The next would be the ethical, which I interpret as the acknowledgment of objects including other people and the respect of their freedom as well. Beyond aesthetic and ethical is religious, and I believe that the idea of God is something that cannot be conceptualized until after we have fully understood and came to terms with the aesthetic and ethical side of life. In truth, I am weary of anyone who claims to know God, as the Tao says, "The sound traveler stays two steps behind and awake to all that is possible."

In conclusion, I will never come to any conclusions. I have many theories on God, on heaven and hell, morality, and reincarnation and the afterlife. My life will be a constant state of contemplation and I will someday die without ever knowing the truth. For this reason, I place more importance on the existentialist idea that existence precedes essence. Which means in other words, that what is more important then the question, "Why are we here?" is the statement, "We are here."

Behold

August 13th 2007

A few years ago I borrowed my grandmas Bible, and I had noticed that throughout the entire book the word "behold" was highlighted. I told her today that I had always wondered why she had done that and she just smiled and asked me what the word "behold" means. I thought about it and replied that I didn't know, but I suppose it means "to listen." She nodded her head and said, "To listen intently."

I've always been a person who admires language, and when I come across a word I find to hold a particularly strong sense of meaning, I tend to write it down. "Static" has been one of my favorite recent words because I love to think about all the different meanings of the word. This time I had written the word "behold" down on a note card and propped it up on my desk because I realized what great meaning it had.

It is well known that any person appreciates a good listener, as we all want to be heard. Many of us however, have a difficult time becoming good listeners. I personally, am not- it has taken me a lot of effort to train myself to be so, though I am still not the best. I did realize something tonight, and that was that being able to effectively listen to other people is important, but there is something far superior to it- being able to listen to ourselves. I do not mean just hearing what we are saying, or knowing what we are doing, but listening for the purpose of understanding. We need to learn to let go of blind reaction, and instead strive to understand why we react in such a manner.

There was a period of time tonight where I felt like I was being suffocated with anxiety. I had a great deal of thoughts and feelings running through my mind, but they were so jumbled and disorganized that I couldn't comprehend them fast enough to make sense of them. I tried to ignore my distress. I tried to talk to someone about it. I soon realized that neither of these would ease my worries. Instead I wandered off and ended up lying in a dark empty parking lot staring at the sky. Whenever I have felt anxious or distressed I have always found comfort in two things, death and nature. When I say death I mean that I enjoy cemeteries and visiting graves. Some people might think this is grotesquely odd, but they aren't looking at it from the right perspective. Placing myself in an atmosphere of death and nonexistence demands me to contemplate purpose, and that contemplation aids in coming up with remedies to my problems. Tonight however, I instead found comfort in nature. I laid in a dark spot in the middle of the city and stared at stars, and caught glimpses of some of the occasional meteors streaking across the sky. Whats therapeutic about nature is its enormity. As I laid there all of my aesthetic and ethical problems that make me human began to fall away. I felt so small but at the same time found myself feeling closer to something large. I didn't feel like just a small fragment of the universe, but I felt like a part of a functioning whole. There is something great about not necessarily attempting to comprehend the vastness of existence, but instead peacefully coexisting within it.

When I got up and began to walk again my distress began to reemerge, but this time in a lighter sense, I was calmed and ready to sort it out. I still kept glancing at the sky and thought about how every meteor is a metaphor for the tears of Saint Lawrence. But then I wondered, why would St. Lawrence cry? Was it the physical pain of his martyred death, or was it something more. Could it have been uncertainty? I thought about the other martyrs of the past who not only lived for God, but willingly died for him as well. They sacrificed themselves, but for what purpose? This made me begin to think about what it is that I live for, and what purpose I give my own life. And in this I thought about the question Aristotle famously asked, "How should we live?"

Lately I've been finding myself really putting effort into attempting a more rational thought process. When we feel an emotion, we react to it- oftentimes out of instinct and sometimes just plain ignorance. Now when I feel something strongly I interject a series of questions between the initial feeling and how I choose to act on it. I found myself feeling a series of emotions tonight that I haven't felt in quite a while. I felt (to some extent) upset, jealous, betrayed, and foolish. Also because of recent inexperience, I felt afraid. My anxiety was so intense because I was really struggling to dissect everything that I was feeling. I began to separate each feeling and asked myself, "Why do I feel upset? Why do I feel jealous?" And so on. My favorite chapter of the Tao came to mind, and the specific verse, "In acquiring favor, so is the fear of losing favor acquired...these things confuse and dismay us, because they are the same ailment." In Donnie Darko, they did an exercise where they were supposed to place a situation and its resulting action into one of two different categories, either love or fear. It was argued that you could not take the entire spectrum of human emotion and lump it into two categories, as things were not that simple. I agree, but at the same time all emotion is based on love and fear. We as human beings see love as the highest attainment of human emotion. The only difference is that this "lifeline" of love-fear is not actually linear. When you take the quote from the Tao and replace the word "favor" with an emotion like love it reads, "In acquiring love, so is the fear of losing love acquired." There is more of an arc between love and fear, and in between lies a broad range of human emotion.

In order for me to feel unhappy, means that I had to first be happy. In order for me to feel betrayed, I had to first feel some sense of loyalty. I felt foolish because I had previously felt content with my decisions. Next I reviewed the events leading to my current situation causing me distress and ask myself if I was mistaken, or maybe had made a misinterpretation. Basically I was asking myself, "Are my feelings justified?"

I started to feel a little more at peace the more I began to sort out my thoughts and attempted to interpret my feelings. Now the only thing left to do was to assess the options of reaction, and also the potential consequence each will bring. It is inevitable that I am going to be making a sacrifice, either by sacrificing my better judgment and faith in my own intuition, or sacrificing something that I value, or the subject of my distress in the first place. Whats interesting about this entire thought process of dissecting emotion is that many people see small altercations such as this to be minuscule. To me however, it is on a much larger scale- every small choice, action, and reaction I make will have a far larger effect on my own life. If I choose to honor my better judgment I will save myself from the possibility of further despair, but I also may close myself off to a realm of possibility which may actually bring me a greater joy or happiness. This range of possibilities is nothing more than my own freedom, and it does indeed cause me anxiety.

The reason that life proves to be so complicated is that it is a game. And the more emotions involved in this game, the more value we have accumulated in determining our next move. I sat on a fountain tonight writing down most of this blog in a notepad. Soon after I went back home and read some more of the book "The Fundamentals of Thought" by Hubbard. One of the first things I read was a passage which I found ironic because it completely relates to everything I had wrote down earlier in the night.

"One could say, then, that life is a game and that the ability to play a game consists of tolerance for freedom and barriers and an insight into purposes and power of choice, are the guiding elements of life. There are only two factors above these, and both of them are related to these. The first is the ability to create, with its negative, the ability to uncreate, and the second is the postulate. This is the broad picture of life, and these elements are used in its understanding, in bringing life into focus and in making it less confusing."

Furthermore, I also found this passage which essentially is describing the very process of thought I'm utilizing. "The analytical mind combines perceptions of the immediate environment, of the past and estimations of the future into conclusions which are based upon the realities of situations." This passage right here, to me, is the key to rational thought.

One of the things I have found most difficult in the way that I perceive situations, and the way that people in general perceive situations, is the lack of restraint when we are inclined to feel resentful. When situations arise that I have experienced in the past that did not end positively, so do the the negative feelings that accompanied it arise, and also with that the fear of acquiring those negative feelings again. Resentment is the main obstacle we must overcome when faced with similar situations of the past. Managing this portion of the mind which harbors resentment is difficult, as it is an emotional defense mechanism that comes to life when we feel threatened, afraid, or vulnerable. It is a method of fight-or-flight. Something that certainly all of us have felt is the apprehension of forming a relationship when a prior relationship has hurt us more than it has benefited us. The way we react to anything is instinctual but also custom to every individual- based on their own personal past experiences. For example: I have loved before, and I have lost that love. I am afraid to lose again not because I am afraid to love, but because I am afraid of its counterpart, the loss of that love. Most importantly, I have a fear of investing in an idea or person-a fear of disappointment. I consider every action and choice in life to be an investment. In this case investing trust, time, and love into another person comes with the faith that we will acquire trust, time, and love in turn.

Life is undoubtedly a game, it is the survival of the fittest. And as Darwin himself said, "It is not the strongest that survive, or even the most intelligent, but it is those most responsive to change." Currently I have invested some element of faith, loyalty, and a general fondness into this game. I guess technically you could say that life and love are the same game, as a main objective to the life of a human being is usually to find love (not being just amorous love, but also acceptance and recognition). Unfortunately despite my quest for rational thought, love is oftentimes not a game of strategy. Love is a game of roulette. Life and love are a game of chance. After all, someone did once tell me that love is self destructive. I've realized more than ever that he is right. Maybe our attempts at love, are futile.

The End

July 19th 2007

n a biography of Jim Morrison I'm reading, the conclusion of the introduction was "Friedrich Nietczhe killed Jim Morrison." After reading the entire book I could pretty much agree. It wasn't necessarily Friedrich Nietzczhe the man who killed Morisson but it was the same idealism that killed Nietzche himself. Existentialism.
I'm feeling run down. The newspapers are printed in blood. All I see when I watch the news is a world on fire. I'm starting to see a severe seperation in the the populous of humanity. Whether or not I believe in the testements of the bible and the apocolypse is irrelevant, but I know the story well. Ironically it seems that the world is dividing up into two sides, two extremes. Good and Evil.
There are people who are extremely indifferent to suffering, genocide, poverty, pain, injustice, and inequality. Then there are people who are extremely sensitive to it. Things are getting worse, everyone has a problem, but nobody has a solution.
The baby boomer generation was born with a vendetta. A vendetta against schizm and control, against injustice. Those who were my age in the '80s and '90's seem as though they just sleepwalked through their time. Mindless and passionless to care to utilize their youth to make a difference. My generation has been born into a coma. We're all alive but seemingly unconscious, unaware of our surroundings. For some who have all ready waken up its only a matter of running to rouse everyone else. I've written about my disappointment in my generation before, but I have to say it again, we can no longer afford to be apolitical.
A lot of my peers consider being apolitical a good thing. It's hard to blame them for it. Look at what our government has done to us. I can understand that noone wants to take part in something they see no good in. But what are we going to do when we give up and our children end up blindly following the leader, just as we almost have? Look at what runs America now. The once proclaimed greatest country in the world is being ran by lies, hypocrisy, schizm, war, malice, extremism, and a deadly sense of indifference.

Yesterday I was watching my younger brother and sister play. These children have little to no consistent guidance, they have no sense of structure or respect. They have no idea how to somewhat effectively communicate. Every 10 minutes I had to seperate them while my overly sensitive younger sister would scream and cry about something not being fair while our younger aggressive and violent little brother would destroy something, kick, or bite her. They did this consistently, just about every 10 minutes, for hours. Eventually I became so exhausted and impatient that I gave up and stopped interferring. Instead I just sat and watched their interraction. Never once, after countless fights, did they learn from their argument. Not once did they bother to think in their minds what caused the problem and utilize a strategy to prevent it the next time.
Three times yesterday I had to listen to my 7 year old sister scream about how something was so incredibly unfair. First it was not fair that her brother had won a beach towel in a church drawing and she did not. So chance and luck was unfair to her. She thought that everyone should have gotten something equally because the joy he took in his luck was not worth the disappointment in her misfortune. Basically my little sister is a communist. Not that that is a bad thing, but that is the idea I get. The one that finally pushed me to the edge is when she asked me if dinner was ready. I said it's been ready, we all ready ate like 20 minutes ago but you guys were playing so we left you alone. She started screaming hysterically. Saying she was hungry and "it wasn't fair" and that we should have came to get her. I said it all works out, because the food is still on the table waiting for her. But for some reason that still wasn't good enough, it was unfair that she wasn't alerted that it was ready the moment it was ready so that she could eat sooner and not have been hungry for 10 extra minutes. Whatever, there was no point in trying to explain to her that there was nothing unfair about it.
While I was watching this I realized that children are very existential. That was the best word I had to describe them. They operate in their own world. It's a world free of politics, ethics, and schizm. They know nothing about any of it. They haven't yet figured out how to relate any small scale problems or interactions with large scale perspective. That was their problem, they didn't yet have perspective. The things that they think are unjust or unfair are nothing compared to what I have experienced as unjust or unfair. And even yet the things I have experienced are nothing in comparison with what I know is unjust and unfair.
I had expressed to my grandma how the news depresses me. I can't watch it without feeling this overwhelming sense of negative emotion, a mixture disappointment, fear, anger, and anxiety. She told me that she agrees, and that yesterday they showed a picture of an Iraqi child being taken on a stretcher, and his body was riddled with bullet holes. Somehow he had gotten in the way of some of the fighting and didn't even stand a chance. When she told this I noticed the mood of my sister had changed, and she stopped what she was doing to listen. Asking questions like, how old was the boy, and did he die? Now that something real had captivated her attention I told her that this is why I don't like to hear her say things are unfair. Things are incredibly fair to her, she's been born into a world of good fortune. Things are not perfect, but she has health, love, and safety. She has the opprotunity to make her world whatever she wants it to be. I asked her which was less fair, not winning a beach towel, or not being able to walk down the street and play without being afraid of being shot?
My grandma didn't think that the news should have showed that clip of that boy. I told her its unfortunate, the things going on in the world but its necessary. Because censorship does not make anything any less real. I grew up in an enviroment where I could see just about anything I wanted to see. Whether through media or real life, I saw violence, sex, profanity, and suffering. My mom did a lot to put me into perspective when I was younger. She did a lot of things subliminally. Things that confused me a little then, but I appreciate now. When I was 12 suddenly a photo of a boy starving to death in the desert with a vulture waiting to eat him appeared on the living room wall next to the door to my room. Everyone thought it was kind of sick and sadistic. I always defended it even though I didn't know why. It capitivated me. I wasn't there, in Sudan, experiencing it first hand. But everyday I still saw it, and it served as a reminder that the things everyone else was worrying about in the 7th grade at school were nothing compared to the things others had to worry about. While I watched everyone else fight over boys who were idiots anyway, and bitch about someone buying the same shirt as them, I thought about everyone out there who was just trying to survive.
There is a good chance that all of this is the reason I had a nervous breakdown when I was 13. Things had never been the same since then. I didn't feel like a child anymore. Maybe my mom didn't go about it in the best way, but sometimes I wonder where I would be if I never was forced to look at things in a different light. I wonder how long its going to take for my sister, who is actually very intelligent, to quit whining and utilize her intelligence to take control of situations, first her small scale child hood problems, and hopefully later on things that will really make a difference.
At the same time it makes me think I'm only wasting my energy as well. And the whole idea of existentialism and children and the general downfall of the world....it all ties together because we can't afford to only look at things in a small radius around us. Nietzche died after going insane when he watched a guy beat his horse in Italy and tried to protect the horse. He had a complete mental breakdown right there in the street and never recovered. Existentialism killed Nietzche, it killed Morisson, and its really starting to bring me down.

You may say I'm overexagerrating. I say, fuck you.