Shades of Gray

July 2nd 2007

The unhappiness I feel now possibly transcends any feeling of sadness I've had in years.
I can't figure this out. I've woken up feeling gradually more depressed everyday for months. The only reason I haven't done anything about it yet is because no specific event has caused this.
Sadness may not be the most applicable word to describe how I feel. Defining how I feel is what I've been trying to accomplish all day. Usually it would come down to indifference, but its not that at all. I'm not indifferent, in fact I'm very concerned.
I think the best way to describe how I feel is faithless. That's so hard for me to comprehend, me having lack of faith.
This is from a copy of a letter I wrote someone exactly one year ago, "Someone mentioned tonight that I have a lot of hope, and I do, which is why I told him I am trying so hard not to fight. When we feel like we have nothing else, we have to have hope." That's all I had then. I lost someone I cared about and all I had was the hope that things would get better. Because I am here now, feeling hopeless and dismayed without any specific event as a source, I'm feeling very confused.
I guess I'm trying to figure out what it is exactly that I'm running on. I had said before that when we feel like we have nothing else we have to have hope. Well I feel that I don't have much, and this time I don't have any expectations that things will get better.
I went on a walk earlier and really tried to clear my mind and put into perspective what has been bothering me. I came down to this...
Every person has a set of beliefs. Instilled in us when we are children is this sort of, make shift default system of beliefs. The belief of what is right versus what is wrong for example. Our religious beliefs often stem from whatever it is we were brought up with growing up. As we get older we may adapt new beliefs and our old ones may change. Nonetheless, this system of beliefs we make applicable to any given situation. Whats unfortunate is that everyday life challenges our set of beliefs.
I brought up systems of beliefs because I realized that these beliefs are the reason faith exists in the first place. We live in a world that is indifferent to our beliefs. Things will happen as they are meant to play out, despite how we feel that they should.
Because of this realization, I've abandoned a lot of my own beliefs. I realized to really truly believe in anything, meant inevitable hypocrisy on my part. My beliefs cannot account for every situation that I have not experienced, and they cannot account for what I will experience. It comes down to things not being black or white. I watched Donnie Darko tonight and the part where they are doing the lifeline exercise reiterates the same fact. Where the assignment is to place a situation into two categories, love or fear. Donnie gets angry because you can't lump all human experience into two simple categories while disregarding the entire spectrum of human emotion. It's the same thing.
I have all ready abandoned my belief in Christianity. I've written about it so much that most people would all ready know why. But to put it in the most simple way possible, I have had many experiences where suddenly I realized that doctrine of Christianity was no longer applicable, and continuing to have faith in something that was empty to me would be a lie. And politics, I've always tried to stay away from labels in politics. I've always thought that for a person to call themselves anything other than an independent or moderate was nonsensical and ignorant. So you're avidly for or against the death penalty? How many of you have both had someone close to you murdered and also had someone close to you murder someone else? I haven't, and until I've experienced both sides of the spectrum how can I form any kind of justifiable belief on whether or not the death penalty is right?
These beliefs are more complex, and I've all ready worked myself through dismantling them. What has had me in disarray lately is something far more simple but a little more meaningful, and that is my relationships with other people. A lot of girls my age have a boyfriend, and if they don't, they are looking for one. I have detatched myself from this because I feel like the concept of love clouds my vision, especially during a time when I am trying to come to terms with my identity. I've realized that the problem with me is that I have such trouble finding anyone who I feel is truely compatible for me. I have had plenty of flings, or encounters, or whatever with all different kinds of males. All of these guys complimented me in some way, whether it me physically, emotionally, mentally, or socially, but none of them have been complatible enough to transcend all four. I don't feel that any of these casual relationships have taken away from me, but I don't feel like they've really benefited me either. None of this would usually be a big deal because after thinking about this I still couldn't figure out why I feel the way I do.
I guess what it comes down to is that these beliefs we have our used as aides to discovering happiness. I feel like I've been conditioned to think that a certain set of goals once achieved, are going to make me happy. Success should make me happy, love should make me happy, whatever.
I have disregarded forming permanent beliefs on anything. Faith only exists because as I said earlier, the world is indifferent to our beliefs. Everyday events challenge or prove them wrong on a regular basis. But we don't want to stop believing. It's hard to disregard an idea you've put so much time and energy and emotion into. It's hard to disregard something you've used as the basis for all of your arguments and all of your actions and reactions. When the world challenges our beliefs we develop faith. We have faith that despite opposition our beliefs are still right. Because my beliefs are gone, so is their defendant so is all of my faith.

So I have no expectations, and no specific faith or hope that things will change, or will get better, or will work out. I'm positive because its all that I can be. But the reason I'm so confused and upset is because now I don't know what to feel, and its feelings that keep us alive.

I've really taken this quote seriously in recent weeks, "When there is no desire, all things are at peace." I've tried to let go of desire, and maybe I've accomplished that. I guess in the end I'm just dismayed because I never thought peace would feel so empty.