Two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl

December 9th, 2006

I'm going to start off my clarifying that I have no idea where I'm going with this, so don't expect much.

I don't want to talk to anyone but I want to talk.

I'm basically using this to talk to myself, only outloud.

I've decided that I'm excited with life, bored with people. I like to find people that I can learn from, and I feel like I've been coming up short on that lately. Maybe it was at my disadvantage to move to a college town where the general concensous is that the only thing that matters is beer. Beer and sex.

When everyone's not thinking about whether or not keystone is the cheaper version of coors they are thinking about sex.

Not that there is anything wrong with this. Sex is an interesting subject. Beer, I don't really think about it. I just drink it, absent mindedly.

I've come to realize something. I am just like everyone else. Not even that, I have been going out of my way to be as basic as possible. I am no longer the "unique teenage rebel" I use to be...I'm not the weird artsy hippy girl anymore. I am nothing in particular. I've made myself ambiguous.

This makes me unhappy. Not that it isn't fun to act completely out of my natural character sometimes. It must be fun, I've been doing it for months. But I liked who I use to be.

I've come to the conclusion that there is something about being as common as ever that keeps me safe. I keep interesting enough to be fun. But common enough to forget.

I'm just tired. I use to be more passionate than this but I'm tired. I'm tired of the drama that intensity brings. I'm not interested in having a boyfriend, I'm not interested in letting anyone to close. Why? Because everytime I do they push me. I don't like being claimed, it irritates me. I don't like being chastized for not breaking myself down to be exactly what someone wants me to be. So I'm a little intense to have as a girlfriend. I do what I want. I'm a smart girl and I have long been done with being manipulated.

I appear to have nothing to offer. But I have everything to offer. I've just given so much all ready. I need time to regenerate because I've all most had nothing left to give. For once I want to save it all for me. Call it selfish, call it lonely, but I think it's best.

This isn't all that bothers me. Lately I've taken special notice of people who randomly hate me. I don't mean dislike, but actually somewhat loathe my existence. There was a time when I could not stand the fact that someone did not like me. But that was a long time ago. I haven't cared for quite some time. I've learned to laugh at the hostile behavior of others. And to be honest there is a fine line between love and hate. Love and hate are feelings you feel with equal passion. We all are well aware as to how much love can consume your mind. The same goes for hatred. I've come to find it flattering that people I am indifferent to can honestly hate me. It must drive them insane for them to put all that energy into hate when not a day goes by that I think of them.

But lately I've begun to wonder. I've always thought of myself as such a good hearted person. I've always been generous, I've always been giving, and I've always been exceptionally trusting and forgiving. There have been times that I have gotten hurt because of this, and true, I toughened myself up a little in my defense. I learned to be a little more cocky. I learned to be a little more confident. I would not necessarily call myself arrogant, I know my place. But I also know what I am capable of, and I refuse to let anyone take that away from me. I've always been kind of cold, but it's not even so much that I am cold as I am shy. This gets misconstrued. Lately I've begun to wonder if I've started to become just a flat out bitch.

I'm going to get even lamer because now I'm going to quote Mean Girls...."You think everyone loves you, when in reality, everyone hates you....you're a mean girl, you're a bitch." hahah. I love this movie. But anyway, I thought about it. Yeah, so I assume I am an easy person to get along with, and I get along with nearly everyone, so I have a decent amount of friends. Yeah, I've talked myself up in my mind to convince myself that I am awesome and for anyone to not like me is purely their loss. But with all the random people that I have found to hate me....I had to ask Tasha if I have myself completely wrong. I thought for a second that I really might come off as a mean girl, maybe I am a bitch. She laughed at me, so I think I have nothing to worry about.

Fact is, I don't like to let things get to me. But when I think about it lately, it almost upsets me to think of how often I have gone out of my way to spare the feelings of others. I think about all the times I have taken one for the team, just so someone else didn't have to feel hurt, whether they deserved it or not....and the fact that I have never actually done anything to anyone, really gets to me.

When it all comes down to it, I think the fact is simple. People only hate me because I refuse to give them a reason to do so.

Chances are noone has a damn clue what I'm talking about right now. I've always had myself analyzed to a tee. I've always known who I was, what I was about, what I stood for...And now, I've let myself go, doing and saying whatever I think feels right at the time. It drives me crazy that I have no idea who I am right now. But I guess the people who have known me the longest know what I'm trying to say. They know I'm not like this. They know I have more passion for life than this.

I used to inspire people. Now I can't even inspire myself.

Maybe it's time to lose the facade.

Or maybe not, I'm really not sure...