Yep.

May 14th 2007

I couldn't sleep.

Everytime I try I just lie in bed and think. About nothing in particular, but mostly about how bored I am. I try not to be bored often. Whenever I start feeling bored the Harvey Danger lyrics "...but if you're bored than you're boring..." always come to mind. But my boredom transcends the moment.

I'm bored. With this moment. With my life. With my generation.

I just got done reading the 40th anniversary addition of Rolling Stone in which they had many interviews of people like Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Norman Mailer, Tom Wolfe...et cetera...they all have so many interesting things to say. The 50's, 60's, 70's... the entire 'baby boomer' generation...that was such an interesting era...so much was happening at once. Not that things aren't happening now. Things are totally happening now. But it just seems like...we are disinterested. Maybe not even that, maybe it doesn't even extend to disinterest, maybe it's worse, maybe it's just laziness. We are living in times of schism and war and paying with both blood and money for causes which have little to no justification. I don't understand. I don't understand how I can possess such a feeling of patriotism and pride in America. Patriotism that would be disregarded by those who anyone else would consider "patriotic" with their Bush '04 stickers on the back of their SUV's, with their "Support Our Troops" ribbon clinging near by. Or maybe the patriotism demonstarted by those in their rustic old trucks, with the gun rack hidden by the giant confederate flag decal on the back window. But me? I'm just a young girl, a hippy, a writer, an artist. But my patriotism shouldn't be disregarded. I have just as much pride as any other American.
But my patriotism isn't blind. I have to stop and question, what is America? What are we doing? Where are we going? Who and what do we represent? I don't think America is just a country, America is an idea.

I'm bored. America is bored. I feel like we should be doing something. We are only a few years into a new century and I feel like these next few years are going to have such an impact on the rest of it, that just letting it blindly pass by without taking more of an interest is going to serve of no benefit to us at all. Are we letting our parents continue to lead us? Aren't we approaching the age at which we decide to lead ourselves? Are we just willingly sacrificing our time? I feel like we are scared, like we are placing our generation into the hands of our elders, and endangering that of the next. If we don't have the courage to care about ourselves and eachother, how will we raise our children to do so? Where is our passion, and our will power, and our desire for a so blatantly needed change? Afterall it isn't those in charge of a country who lead a revolution, it is it's children. Are we all asleep?

It is no doubt to me that our generation is a product of fear. We were raised on it, we were spoon fed it from birth. We have been nourished with cowardice, and/or a false sense of what is right. I remember sitting in front of the T.V. and watching CNN news coverage of bombs going off over Baghdad. It seemed surreal to me, pretty all most. But naturally during the time of the first Gulf War I was only 5 or 6! I was a child, I was naive, I thought that what was really war appeared beautiful. But I even then I knew that I was wrong. There was a sense radiating from the television that I picked up on. Talk of tyranny, of infidels, I didn't know what these words meant but they generated a sense of urgency, a sense of fear inside of me. What I was watching looked like fireworks, and at first I thought the city below them must be outside enjoying them, but I eventually realized that that wasn't right, but I wasn't sure why.

I asked my mom back then, "Who is Saddam Hussein?" She told me that he was the devil, and that he lived underground. I believed her because I didn't really have a choice. My grandma raised me very religious in those days, and I knew that the devil was something to be feared. I just didn't know he was so close.

People who know me know that I am peaceful, non violent, passive, and often times shy away from controversy. Some may call me a hippy, some call me a liberal, either way the both mean the same thing to the people who deem me with those terms. They don't usually mean it in a positive way. For some reason the idea of peace, or passiveness, those are considered weaknesses to most. It's unfortunate, but what I must say in their defense is that it is human nature. It isn't, nor has it ever been easy for me to be peaceful. On the inside I frequently get angry or hostile and develop this aching desire for revenge, or the simple desire to destroy something or someone else. My beliefs are contradicting. One part of me wants to strive for peace, harmony, balance, and the other half of me is overwhelmed with pride, militance, and justice.

When I was lying in bed being bored earlier, I was staring at this picture on my wall that I drew, of Che Gueverra. I thought it was somewhat ironic that right below that picture is a wall hanging of a buddha. At first these images seem to clash. The buddha is lady buddha, looking down at a lotus flower near a stream, holding a child, and a dove hangs in the air near her. All of these symbols of life, of peace. Then there is Che, staring quite intently into the distance, a look on his face that I can't really think of a word to describe, but it's as if he sees the future on the horizon, and it isn't peaceful at all, it's a revolution.

There is a buddhist quote that says, "From craving arises sorrow, from craving arises fear, but he who is freed from craving has no sorrow and certainly no fear."

These two characters in my room to me represent balance, and proof that all things, though seemlingly different, are always the same. Where the lady buddha is at peace, with the life of a child in her arms, a stream, a lotus flower, a dove, she has no sorrow, only hope for the future. And Che, he is at peace as well, because he's made up his mind, he has hope for the future as well, and in that hope, he has no fear.

Fear again. That generation I spoke of in the beginning, they were a product of fear too, possibly more so than us. The Cold War? A lot of our grandparents went to school where they learned drills that taught them to hide under their desks in the event of nuclear attack. Maybe sometimes during History class, right after reading about the bombs in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. They saw it. I wonder what was going through their minds when they were under those desks, flimsy desks, with about an inch of wood to protect them from all the destruction they had learned about.The great thing about that generation is they couldn't stomach that fear. Their spirits all seemed to rebel against it. In one way or another that generation, they sang, they wrote, they fought, the protested, they didn't succumb to it. I really hope that we can do the same.

When I have time to think I get distressed thinking about the current state of America. I feel like we are all in limbo, and it is very depressing. I am perfectly aware that there is a lot about the government, about politics, that I don't know. But still I find myself wondering, and in the end getting angry, because I cannot for the life of me come up with any possible answer, as to who voted to give leadership to our current president. I just wish, that someone could give me one good reason why. With that one good reason I could rest a little easier, thinking that they may have made just a slight mistake, because there was something they saw that I didn't. Something that seemed postive, or hopeful. Something that seemed intelligent and justified. What is it? The only answers I ever seem to get are just attacks on who could have been in his place, on liberals, on opponets, on anything that isn't a part of this Bush cult that seems to have no core. George Bush to me is a ventriloquist doll. You can knock on it but there is nothing in there, it's not solid...it's hollow. What I want to know is who is pulling the strings? Special interest groups? Evangelists? Big business? Karl Rove? I mean come on. This presidency has allowed nothing but for us all to be owned. All of us, not just blue collar citizens, but America as a whole. I feel like we are no longer in control of our own destiny. If I really possessed no sense of patriotism, this would not be the thought that hurts.

My interest in politics has fell dormant over the past year, until recently. I realized suddenly, when explaining something political to someone else, how important this next election is. This is when I began to get frustrated, because I don't really sense a fire in many people my age, to make a difference. I don't think we realize that the biggest difference can be in just simply caring.

I took this random political quiz, in which the results I found interesting. People pin point me as a liberal, mostly because it is applicable to my lifestyle. But I disregard this, because those people don't really know me at all. There is no better place to be than the middle, only from the middle can all sides be accuarently scruitinized and measured. So here it is, my political profile.
Your Political Profile:
Overall: 45% Conservative, 55% Liberal
Social Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
Fiscal Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
Defense and Crime: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

A few of these may seem surprisingly conservative for me. But it's obvious that they are nearly all 50/50. With of course the exception of one, "Ethics" which I found to be the most humorously ironic.

The funny thing about people, is that I have such an optimistic judge of character. I often find myself saying, "But their heart is in the right place." The funny thing about Conservatives, is that it seems to be the opposite. Here I would say instead, "But, their mind is in the right place."

Even more ironic still, is what it was that initially won over a great deal of liberal hearted people all over the USA back in '00. I don't remember what exactly the tagline was for Bush's campaign, but apparently my view of conservatives is not limited to just my opinion....his tagline presented him as Conservative, as Republican, but with it they added..."With compassion." It is sad enough that "with compassion" must be added additionally to catch the attention of those who actually have a concern for humanity. What is sadder still is that some actually believed it. George Bush's only compassion lies within his pocket, and in the debts he owes to those who are pulling his strings.

The thing about George Bush and most Conservatives, is that they are stubborn. These people who supported, (and amazingly still support) Bush, the ones I am constantly looking for answers from, are very set in their ways. I thought of this the other day while reading articles about the bills that Bush promises to veto, all most mocking those who dare to oppose him. My grandma always told me that I was stubborn, a trait I got from my grandfather. Most of my life I found great satisfaction in just 'being right'. As I've grown I've realized that there is no satisfaction in this need to be right, because it doesn't actually exist. Now I also remain set in my ways. My way however, is not to become flustered and dismantled at the asking of "why?" but to embrace it. I am stubborn in my efforts to promote truth, justice, equality, and humanity.

I never had any direction with this, I just wanted to get off my mind whatever was occupying it...and I wasn't really sure what that was.

I guess I just felt like I was representing my generation as a whole, as if my boredom resonates throughout it. I want people my age to take interest, I want to take an initiative. I wonder if one day we will realize, and if I myself will accept, that we can't really stand for anything, and that is the great contradiction of politics.

Walt Whitman said it best when he said, " "Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)" That isn't just applicable to us as individuals, but as a society. All things become outdated. I'm not promoting anarchy, I'm promoting change. America needs to come to the realization that to change is not to sell out, but that the dismantling of what may have once been great is necessary to make the core of it stronger, and that compassion, is not weakness. The Christian Conservatives should know this best. I learned it when I was 8, but just now understand it. "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth."- The Beatitudes. I like quotes, I thought God might be a postive name drop for most. According to the Bible God promotes this compassion. And change? "The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew." Abraham Lincoln.

Now that my thoughts are running thin, I'd still like to think that there is a possibility I was wrong about my generation. One of my favorite quotes from the Tao, "Rather than being one step ahead and asleep towards up and coming possiblities, the sound traveler stays two steps back and remains awake to all that is possible." Maybe we aren't lazy, maybe, just maybe, we're patient. We can only hope.