Anxiety with reference to Poe

I've re-read many of the Poe's works that I last read so long ago. Since I was 14 he has remained at the top of my list of favorite writers. I find it important to re-embrace any medium of art periodically throughout life. Whether it be music, art, or writing, as I grow older and change so does my perspective. I like to re-read either important or favorite pieces of writing at least every two years. When I read, I now analyze literature with a different approach. Tonight in my re-reading of Poe, I realize fully why I was so captivated by his work as a teenager.

There is a recurring theme in Poe's work of which I can strongly relate too. Nearly all of his work is dark, and though most certainly gothic, his diction contains a large element of passion. I first read again The Tell-Tale Heart. This is one of my favorites to read because it is written just as it would be spoken. There was an actor who once presented in my high school a rendition of this story. Though the assembly bored the majority of my peers I will never forget it. Now in reading the story I read it in my mind just as I remember the actor shouting it. The content is undoubtedly grotesque but I find it relatable to people whom possess a certain type of personality, I being one of them. There is a theme to everything Poe writes. For example, in The Tell-Tale Heart, the man telling the story kills an elderly man he loves dearly. He does so, because he can no longer stand to look at the old man's eye, which is described as a pale blue, with a film over it- a vulture's eye.

The story is written from as a stream of consciousness. The thoughts that entertain the man's mind as he plans to kill him are creepily familiar. Poe writes with the intent on creating a very distinct emotion within the reader. For example, there is a great deal of emphasis placed on the adjectives describing just how carefully the man acts in the events leading to the murder."I moved it slowly-very, very slowly,"and, "I undid the lantern cautiously-oh, so cautiously-cautiously," as well as, "I kept pushing it on steadily, steadily." Then, once he opens the door to the old man's room, and the old man awakens-he describes what he knows the old man is thinking and feeling. "His fears had been ever since growing upon him. He had been trying to fancy them causeless, but could not. He had been saying to himself-'It is nothing but the wind in the chimney-it is only a mouse crossing the floor,' or 'it is merely a cricket which has made a single chirp.' Yes, he had been trying to comfort himself with these suppositions: but he had found all in vain. All in vain." It was when I read these lines that I realized how similar Poe's various works are. Those lines reminded me immediately of The Raven.
"...While I nodded nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, 'tapping at my chamber door'-Only this and nothing more."
...And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain thrilled me-filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before; so that now to still the beating of my heart I stood repeating, 'Tis some vistor entreating entrance at my chamber door'...This it is and nothing more.
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer...here I opened wide the door. Darkness there and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, doubting dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before..."

It is clear from both The Tell-Tale Heart and The Raven alone that the central concept of Poe's revolves around fear and anxiety. I can relate because I've suffered from anxiety most of my life, and had a particularly difficult time when I was younger, when I first read Poe. As well as being riddled with anxiety, I also have many notes of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I believe that these two go hand in hand. Just as in The Black Cat the man comes to loathe the second cat as well, the thought of avoiding the cat, the thoughts of hatred, preoccupy his mind. And in The Tell-Tale Heart the man demonstrates the same behavior. He comes to hate the old man's eye. The idea of it begins to haunt him. He becomes obsessed with it.

It's this fear and anxiety and obsession that I find myself relating to. Reading the stories alone give me a familiar sense of anxiety. I've had panic attacks before, bad ones. I know what it is like to become obsessed with a thought. It seems that your mind is stuck in a loop and there is no way out. You begin to panic and your body reacts physically as well. Your having trouble breathing, your body switches temperatures rapidly, your tense, your shaking, and in the worst cases there is that feeling of disillusionment. That last feeling is always the worst, its with that that I finally abandon all my thoughts and the only one left is that I don't want to die.

Human beings experience a broad range of emotions every minute. Within one instance it is quite common and natural to flip through countless emotions. We are narrative creatures, which means we always, always have at least inner monologue. For example, say I wake up in the morning, what thoughts and feelings run through my head within a minute? I'm awake, I'm feeling irritated. The sun is shining through the window, I feel happy. I realize I'm late for class, I become worried, confused, discomforted, annoyed. I remember that I don't actually have class that day, I'm relieved. It is when we get stuck with one emotion that we begin to panic, in most cases that emotion is fear.

I found another common theme in Poe's writing. His characters are in such situations that you begin to become aware that love and hate are the same emotion. These emotions are felt and dealt with with equal passion.

...to be continued